Winning Isn’t an Excuse: Toughness Should Never Come at the Expense of the Athlete

Where This Started

I have been thinking a lot about what we expect from athletes. How much pressure helps them grow, and when does pushing them cross a line? Two documentaries brought those questions into focus for me: State of Play: Trophy Kids and Athlete A.

Trophy Kids follows young athletes and their parents, showing what can happen when a parent’s desire for scholarships, championships and success begins to overshadow the child. Wanting your child to succeed is understandable. Watching that ambition become something the child has to carry is much harder.

Athlete A was another difficult watch. What struck me wasn’t only the horrific abuse committed by Larry Nassar, but also the culture surrounding the young gymnasts. Girls described being screamed at, called names and dismissed when they said they were hungry or in pain. Being selected for the national team or invited to camp was such an honor that some athletes and parents accepted the environment as part of reaching that level.

That stayed with me. When young athletes are told this is what success requires, they may begin to believe that suffering is simply the price of belonging. They learn to ignore hunger, push through pain and accept humiliation because they think elite athletes are supposed to endure it. I don’t want sports teaching young people to disregard their own needs to prove they deserve an opportunity.

The Difference Between Pressure and Humiliation

Competition already asks a great deal of athletes. The scoreboard, the crowd, the opponent and the clock all create pressure. So do missed opportunities and losses. Learning to respond to those moments is part of becoming an athlete, and coaches have an important role in helping players develop that ability.

I believe in demanding coaching. Players need discipline, clear expectations and honest feedback. Sometimes they need to hear, “That wasn’t good enough,” and be held accountable for their effort. A coach can challenge an athlete while making it clear that improvement is possible and expected.

The line is crossed when correction becomes personal humiliation. Telling someone they need to improve is different from telling them they are worthless. Demanding effort is different from making a player afraid to admit they are hurt. Athletes should be able to trust the adults responsible for them, especially when something is wrong.

Toughness and cruelty are not the same thing, and treating them as interchangeable does a disservice to both athletes and good coaches.

Parents Should Support the Dream, Not Own It

Parents have an enormous responsibility in shaping a child’s relationship with sports. Taking them to practice, encouraging them and cheering from the stands can mean everything. But whether your child is an exceptional soccer player, a talented gymnast or a potential college football recruit, they are still your child.

After a bad game, they may need a parent more than another coaching session on the ride home. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can say is, “I’m proud of you.” That doesn’t mean pretending mistakes didn’t happen. It means remembering that your relationship has to be bigger than the scoreboard.

It also means being honest about whose dream you are supporting. Parents should buy into their children’s dreams. Children shouldn’t have to buy into their parents’ dreams. If you wanted to play college sports and never had the opportunity, your child shouldn’t be responsible for fulfilling that ambition.

Their goals may involve Division I, Division III or recreational sports. They may eventually decide they don’t want to play anymore. Those choices can be difficult for a parent who has invested time and energy, but the athlete needs room to decide what they want from their own life.

Championships Don’t Excuse Conduct

The way we talk about successful coaches can make these conversations harder. Geno Auriemma, Bob Knight and Dan Hurley have all won national championships. Their accomplishments deserve recognition, but a winning record should never put someone’s behavior beyond scrutiny.

Auriemma has built one of the greatest programs in women’s college basketball. After UConn’s 2026 Final Four loss to South Carolina, however, he had a heated confrontation with Dawn Staley and later acknowledged that his reaction was wrong. His success doesn’t make that moment acceptable.

Knight won three national championships at Indiana, but his legacy also includes throwing a chair across the court and repeated confrontations with officials. His conduct eventually contributed to his firing. The championships and controversies are both part of his history.

Hurley’s intensity has become part of his identity as a coach. In 2026, the Big East fined him $25,000 for unsportsmanlike conduct after he aggressively confronted an official, was ejected and failed to leave the court promptly.

These incidents involve conduct toward other adults; they don’t, by themselves, establish how those coaches treat athletes. But they illustrate why success shouldn’t shield anyone from accountability. Recognizing what a coach has accomplished doesn’t require excusing everything that coach does.

How Far Is Too Far?

The situation involving Arizona State hockey player Matthew Mayich raises a different and deeply serious set of questions. Mayich, a 21-year-old player and St. Louis Blues draft pick, collapsed during an outdoor team workout in August. According to his family’s attorney, he suffered a catastrophic brain injury.

Accounts of the workout differ. ASU’s review described running and calisthenics in temperatures in the upper 80s and said athletic trainers provided water and cooling towels. Mayich’s family and several players raised concerns about how the session was conducted, and an independent review has been commissioned.

I don’t know exactly what caused Mayich’s injury, and I don’t want to present disputed claims as established facts. The circumstances still make it necessary to examine how workouts are planned, how athletes’ concerns are heard and how adults respond when a player is struggling.

Conditioning should prepare athletes for competition. When the emphasis shifts toward proving how much discomfort someone can endure, we need to ask what purpose that serves and whether the environment protects the people participating in it.

Accountability That Helps Athletes Grow

Athletes need structure, consequences and coaches who are willing to challenge them. They need to understand that effort matters and that their choices affect their teammates. Those lessons can be taught without attacking someone’s worth.

A coach who says, “That effort wasn’t good enough. You know you’re capable of more. Fix it,” identifies a problem and expects a response. Calling an athlete stupid or worthless offers no useful direction. It leaves the athlete dealing with the insult instead of learning how to improve.

I’ve heard people defend harsh treatment by saying, “That’s how coaches were when I played.” I understand that those experiences shape what people consider normal, but familiarity isn’t a reason to keep repeating something harmful. We’ve learned more about motivation and athlete development. Research has linked supportive coaching with lower athlete burnout and controlling coaching with higher burnout. That knowledge should inform how we coach.

The goal should be to develop athletes who can handle pressure, learn from failure and take responsibility for their performance. Making them afraid to speak honestly about pain, mistakes or concerns works against that goal.

The Athlete Comes First

What I took away from Trophy Kids and Athlete A is how easily adults can become so focused on an outcome that they lose sight of the person pursuing it. Athletes are students, friends and family members with lives outside their sport. They will make mistakes, lose games and have bad days. Their value shouldn’t rise and fall with their performance.

I want coaches to demand excellence and parents to support their children’s ambitions. I also want athletes to know they can admit they’re hurt, ask for help and recover from a disappointing performance without fearing they have become a disappointment to everyone around them.

Eventually, every athlete will stop playing. The trophies will sit on a shelf, the statistics will fade and the championships will become memories. The way people treated them will stay with them long after their last game.

Give me the athlete who knows they are valued even after they fail over the athlete who wins because they are terrified of what will happen if they don’t. I’ll take the first one every time.

Some people won’t agree with me, and that’s okay. I believe we should be willing to examine what we accept in the pursuit of winning, including whether the people chasing that success are being treated with the care and respect they deserve.